Sadly (for we sure as hell would like to look him in the face and give him our opinion) you have declined to attend the meeting in person and are joining by conference call.
We at FCCL sadly too have to spend hours on conference calls, so we thought we would give you a few handy hints to see you through:-
1. WEAR A HEADSET even though it without a doubt ruins your "hairdo", or use a proper conference table top device if you don't want to ruffle your hair.
2. ON NO ACCOUNT EAT CRISPS - unless of course you are able to mute the device for extended periods of time, which means you can't say much
3. TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND MOBILE - composing or responding to emails is not on
( we are straying into multitasking territory here and you are the wrong sex for that to be done successfully)
And most important of all
4. SPEAK UP .... we know you got your fancy Queens Medal for being a good boy, being obedient and implementing the hatchet plans for the Government, in return for a huge salary of course.
BUT like it or not Simon regardless of all the spin you put on your figures, take of your rose tinted £160k specs and remember
DEATHS
BY ACCIDENTAL FIRES ARE INCREASING
1st PUMP RESPONSE TIMES ARE DECREASING - and you don't even dare talk about or publish 2nd and 3rd pump response times!
And expecting operational fire fighters (they are the ones who do the dangerous dirty work btw) to work until they are 60 is just unrealistic and down right DANGEROUS, not to mention unfair.
So although we would have preferred you to pop on a train to London, to look the minister in the eyes. We understand why you haven't got time to attend........ honest we do!
If you are happy to condone the spending of £200 per pump for food for strike breaking operatives during periods of industrial action, doing your own food shopping for the weekend must be quite a task, we all understand the need to get to Waitrose before the Friday night rush!
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